Kongstad
Wednesday, 19th January 2005, 15:03
This is the result of "Bored At work"
The trials of a Ex-Paladin.
Y’all know the stories; mine isn’t much different from anyone else… The big bugger in the sky also known as the moon of Luclin came down and whopped the divine crap out of us!
All of us were affected, Norrath was shattered and spread all over. The seas became violent and most traffic by sea was brought to a complete stop. The people abandoned their gods and the world had become volatile, there was much despair and people were angry. It was as if David Hasselhoff had walked past them in his tight red shorts. People wanted blood, they wanted to justify what had happened. At least that was the people of Freeport. The Qeynosians mourned but wanted to rebuild, they wanted protection and a life in peace. So they hired the A-team.
Day 1 – Drifting the ocean
I don’t remember much other than I woke up in chilly water and saw this sorry excuse for a trader ship coming straight for me. Apparently the crew had spotted me and they were generous enough to lower a rowing boat to try and “salvage” me, rather than plunder what valuables there were left on my body.
I was especially unsure of their intentions as it seemed they were trying to drown me by rowing into my head multiple times. They also managed to release the anchor on my back and hit me multiple times in the head with the paddle as I was reaching for it. After about 20 hits to my head I finally fell unconscious again, but thanks to the anchor-rope which had tangled itself around my neck by now, they were able to haul me in and onboard.
I remember two of them discussing why my face was blue and if it could be because I might be a half Dark elf and half human. I guess none of them had the imagination to believe that the blue face was in fact caused by them hauling me up the side of the ship with the rope around my throat effectively choking me… Shortly after, all went black.
I later awoke on the deck of the ship with a young and very attractive human female above my face yelling something to the captain about the stinky bastard being alive… I stared at the sky for a minute until I realized she was indeed talking about me, and not the ol’ dwarf standing next to her who was relentlessly farting a lot. They’ve always been little creatures full of shit and this one certainly didn’t care much about demonstrating it in the presence of others. For the love of the Tunare that guy had worse breath than a fat goblin... a very fat one at that! The stench… ow dear! A strong resemblance to Jerry Springer came to mind…
I rolled over on the side and began harking at the deck, spewing out a gross index of seaweed, sea crabs and enough saltwater to supplement Pamela Andersons new breast implants. Whilst entirely grossing out the crew onboard, the dwarf looked at me strangely and said something stupid like..
“Yarrr! *Fart!* That’s a mighty fine amount of crabs for a little human to catch yarharharharhar ”
I looked at the dwarf, grabbed his beard and shouted with all my divine might - effectively reducing my mana to 50% - straight in his face. Crabs and seaweed were dangling out my mouth and I neatly plastered more contents of the sea onto his upper body like ornaments on a Christmas tree.
“Shut the hell up you yarring annoying little stinky bastard or I shall scrub the deck with your furry arse and punt you over the railing back to Feerrot… and for the love of the Gods! Brush!!!
Somehow I scared the hell out of the poor bastard. He turned around, went under deck, locked his door and he wasn’t seen for the rest of the journey - although weird sounds could be heard from his cabin every now and then; *Thwarp thwarp thwarp thud thud thwarp*. It was frankly quite gross, and that’s not to mention the stench that followed. We quickly learned to stay in the other part of the ship when he started working it like a gnoll in heat. The dwarf’s name is Dirkmon, if you see him… turn around. Little bastard is full of air!
Day 5
As the days went by we picked up more refugees, I would sit out on the front side of the deck spotting ‘em and directing the captain. I’m not sure what you call it in the “Sailors Language” but who gives a flying gnoll about that anyway, I ain’t a sailor, I’m a noble Paladin, or was before all my things were ripped from me like Anna Nichole Smith would rip riches from a senior millionaire at a old folks party in downtown L.A.
Day 8 SeaBy™
I often sat at night, watching the stars twinkle, staring at the now shattered moon, cursing at the gnomes because it was surely their fault Luclin blew to hell. For a moment I wished we had picked up some gnomes as they are excellent “balls” for the SeaBy™ game. Let me explain to you how it works! It’s quite an addictive game that we played a lot as kids with the local gnomes.
You find a gnome with not to much armoring; padded armor is the best, but no armor works as well. Then you tie an enchanted elastic rope around his stomach, tie the other end to the mast of the ship. Make sure the rope is about 100 metrics long for full effect.
Then you put the gnome on the deck of the ship. Best is if he’s tilted a bit backwards towards you.
Then you put on a major Pristine Feysteel Sabaton boot and kick the little bastard as far as you can. When the rope is stretched to its fullest the gnome will come flying back at you with twice the speed, typically hitting a mast (which gives about 3 points) and a nice red color to the wood. Replacement ball is now to be used as the old one is non-existent.
But if he flies past the ship and once again the rope stretches it will slingshot him back- and forward you can claim 7 points.
Do not try it with dwarfs though. They tend to burp and vomit a lot during the return pull.
Ahh, who doesn’t love Seaby™? I really need to stay sharp on retrieving gnomes out here.
*Thud thud thud thwarp thwarp*
Ah great here goes the damned dwarf again. I can’t wait to get off this boat - too many rats and other filthy crap out here.
Day 11 - Rats in the sea
We’ve picked up so many refugees now the ship is full. All ratongas we find, we tie to a rope and drag em after the ship, can’t have them onboard spreading plague or mating with the rats hiding in the hull. On the other hand it’s quite fun standing on the railing and throwing rats at them, hearing the little squeally bastards squeal when they get hit by another squeally bastard squealing squealer.
Day 23 – No more rats in the sea
Today the last of the Ratongas died, either by hyperthermia or because they dissolved due to being in water too long. Some just plain ol’ drowned. Although it could also be that the giant octopus that attacked us 4 days ago ate some of ‘em.
Also apologies that I haven’t been writing lately – it’s due to the fact a warden ate some pages in my book, which brings up another issue. We’re running out of food. The shape shifters stopped shifting shape because we were getting ready for some delectable bear jerky, hotdogs and cat steak every time they turned into their animal form.
Summoned food really starts to blow after 23 days of it, and the sodding bastards can’t seem to cast enough of it, and when they do most of it falls apart before we can eat it. They blame it on the circumstances and their poor meditation. I told em to get their holy asses up high and pray for some food or we would surely die, and if their revives are as poor as their summoned food, we would surely be screwed!
I think I pissed one of them off - he blew up the caged goblin we had in the cargo bay.
All in all a boring day, although we sighted some seagulls which means we aren’t far from land - I was killing a few of them with my “Unyielding Conviction” spell. Quite fun to watch, a group of 6 seagulls turn into white feathers on the sea surface. I was quite surprised that my spells actually work now. Must be due to the fact we are close to blessed land. Now if I only had my sword I could chase that damned dwarf off the ship, but we learned he barricaded himself inside his cabin. If we approached the door he would start making sounds again, so we left him alone.
Day 25
Today we got attacked by a Drakota. The Drakota is a stunning creature, very dangerous. Yet, I should be thankful - the fire breathing oversized devil bird set half the refugees on fire and burned down a sail. Now we got more room, more food, and everyone who was burned up left their valuables. I made a lot of money on their behalf, for a moment I felt like George Bush, benefiting from other peoples death... yarr.
It seems that when we reach the Isle of Refuge I will have some nice capital *cackle*.
Anyways, the Drakota - which I named Lil’ Draggie - flew off and when the captain was done cursing and yarring it to hell we were able to sail on.
The trials of a Ex-Paladin.
Y’all know the stories; mine isn’t much different from anyone else… The big bugger in the sky also known as the moon of Luclin came down and whopped the divine crap out of us!
All of us were affected, Norrath was shattered and spread all over. The seas became violent and most traffic by sea was brought to a complete stop. The people abandoned their gods and the world had become volatile, there was much despair and people were angry. It was as if David Hasselhoff had walked past them in his tight red shorts. People wanted blood, they wanted to justify what had happened. At least that was the people of Freeport. The Qeynosians mourned but wanted to rebuild, they wanted protection and a life in peace. So they hired the A-team.
Day 1 – Drifting the ocean
I don’t remember much other than I woke up in chilly water and saw this sorry excuse for a trader ship coming straight for me. Apparently the crew had spotted me and they were generous enough to lower a rowing boat to try and “salvage” me, rather than plunder what valuables there were left on my body.
I was especially unsure of their intentions as it seemed they were trying to drown me by rowing into my head multiple times. They also managed to release the anchor on my back and hit me multiple times in the head with the paddle as I was reaching for it. After about 20 hits to my head I finally fell unconscious again, but thanks to the anchor-rope which had tangled itself around my neck by now, they were able to haul me in and onboard.
I remember two of them discussing why my face was blue and if it could be because I might be a half Dark elf and half human. I guess none of them had the imagination to believe that the blue face was in fact caused by them hauling me up the side of the ship with the rope around my throat effectively choking me… Shortly after, all went black.
I later awoke on the deck of the ship with a young and very attractive human female above my face yelling something to the captain about the stinky bastard being alive… I stared at the sky for a minute until I realized she was indeed talking about me, and not the ol’ dwarf standing next to her who was relentlessly farting a lot. They’ve always been little creatures full of shit and this one certainly didn’t care much about demonstrating it in the presence of others. For the love of the Tunare that guy had worse breath than a fat goblin... a very fat one at that! The stench… ow dear! A strong resemblance to Jerry Springer came to mind…
I rolled over on the side and began harking at the deck, spewing out a gross index of seaweed, sea crabs and enough saltwater to supplement Pamela Andersons new breast implants. Whilst entirely grossing out the crew onboard, the dwarf looked at me strangely and said something stupid like..
“Yarrr! *Fart!* That’s a mighty fine amount of crabs for a little human to catch yarharharharhar ”
I looked at the dwarf, grabbed his beard and shouted with all my divine might - effectively reducing my mana to 50% - straight in his face. Crabs and seaweed were dangling out my mouth and I neatly plastered more contents of the sea onto his upper body like ornaments on a Christmas tree.
“Shut the hell up you yarring annoying little stinky bastard or I shall scrub the deck with your furry arse and punt you over the railing back to Feerrot… and for the love of the Gods! Brush!!!
Somehow I scared the hell out of the poor bastard. He turned around, went under deck, locked his door and he wasn’t seen for the rest of the journey - although weird sounds could be heard from his cabin every now and then; *Thwarp thwarp thwarp thud thud thwarp*. It was frankly quite gross, and that’s not to mention the stench that followed. We quickly learned to stay in the other part of the ship when he started working it like a gnoll in heat. The dwarf’s name is Dirkmon, if you see him… turn around. Little bastard is full of air!
Day 5
As the days went by we picked up more refugees, I would sit out on the front side of the deck spotting ‘em and directing the captain. I’m not sure what you call it in the “Sailors Language” but who gives a flying gnoll about that anyway, I ain’t a sailor, I’m a noble Paladin, or was before all my things were ripped from me like Anna Nichole Smith would rip riches from a senior millionaire at a old folks party in downtown L.A.
Day 8 SeaBy™
I often sat at night, watching the stars twinkle, staring at the now shattered moon, cursing at the gnomes because it was surely their fault Luclin blew to hell. For a moment I wished we had picked up some gnomes as they are excellent “balls” for the SeaBy™ game. Let me explain to you how it works! It’s quite an addictive game that we played a lot as kids with the local gnomes.
You find a gnome with not to much armoring; padded armor is the best, but no armor works as well. Then you tie an enchanted elastic rope around his stomach, tie the other end to the mast of the ship. Make sure the rope is about 100 metrics long for full effect.
Then you put the gnome on the deck of the ship. Best is if he’s tilted a bit backwards towards you.
Then you put on a major Pristine Feysteel Sabaton boot and kick the little bastard as far as you can. When the rope is stretched to its fullest the gnome will come flying back at you with twice the speed, typically hitting a mast (which gives about 3 points) and a nice red color to the wood. Replacement ball is now to be used as the old one is non-existent.
But if he flies past the ship and once again the rope stretches it will slingshot him back- and forward you can claim 7 points.
Do not try it with dwarfs though. They tend to burp and vomit a lot during the return pull.
Ahh, who doesn’t love Seaby™? I really need to stay sharp on retrieving gnomes out here.
*Thud thud thud thwarp thwarp*
Ah great here goes the damned dwarf again. I can’t wait to get off this boat - too many rats and other filthy crap out here.
Day 11 - Rats in the sea
We’ve picked up so many refugees now the ship is full. All ratongas we find, we tie to a rope and drag em after the ship, can’t have them onboard spreading plague or mating with the rats hiding in the hull. On the other hand it’s quite fun standing on the railing and throwing rats at them, hearing the little squeally bastards squeal when they get hit by another squeally bastard squealing squealer.
Day 23 – No more rats in the sea
Today the last of the Ratongas died, either by hyperthermia or because they dissolved due to being in water too long. Some just plain ol’ drowned. Although it could also be that the giant octopus that attacked us 4 days ago ate some of ‘em.
Also apologies that I haven’t been writing lately – it’s due to the fact a warden ate some pages in my book, which brings up another issue. We’re running out of food. The shape shifters stopped shifting shape because we were getting ready for some delectable bear jerky, hotdogs and cat steak every time they turned into their animal form.
Summoned food really starts to blow after 23 days of it, and the sodding bastards can’t seem to cast enough of it, and when they do most of it falls apart before we can eat it. They blame it on the circumstances and their poor meditation. I told em to get their holy asses up high and pray for some food or we would surely die, and if their revives are as poor as their summoned food, we would surely be screwed!
I think I pissed one of them off - he blew up the caged goblin we had in the cargo bay.
All in all a boring day, although we sighted some seagulls which means we aren’t far from land - I was killing a few of them with my “Unyielding Conviction” spell. Quite fun to watch, a group of 6 seagulls turn into white feathers on the sea surface. I was quite surprised that my spells actually work now. Must be due to the fact we are close to blessed land. Now if I only had my sword I could chase that damned dwarf off the ship, but we learned he barricaded himself inside his cabin. If we approached the door he would start making sounds again, so we left him alone.
Day 25
Today we got attacked by a Drakota. The Drakota is a stunning creature, very dangerous. Yet, I should be thankful - the fire breathing oversized devil bird set half the refugees on fire and burned down a sail. Now we got more room, more food, and everyone who was burned up left their valuables. I made a lot of money on their behalf, for a moment I felt like George Bush, benefiting from other peoples death... yarr.
It seems that when we reach the Isle of Refuge I will have some nice capital *cackle*.
Anyways, the Drakota - which I named Lil’ Draggie - flew off and when the captain was done cursing and yarring it to hell we were able to sail on.